“No chaos, no order.” A new mantra for my new life. I think it acknowledges the craziness and disorder in my life while reminding me of the opportunity that comes from it. It is a simple phrase that will help me see the positive in my daily endeavors.

Chaos isn’t new to me, nor do I imagine that I’m particularly special in the type or amount of it, but both aspects have changed a lot for me recently and I recognize that I need to change how I deal with it – I’m not happy with how things are going now. Some sources that have helped me see this, and gave me the idea for how to address it, are the organizing blogs I Heart Organizing and Delightful Order.

The biggest change in my life has been the birth of my son, Robin, and the second change has been the rather spontaneous decision for me to be a full-time stay-at-home mom. Robin came early. Really early.  There we were, debating if we wanted to rent a tub for our home birth, happy that I was finally getting over my morning sickness, and gearing up for some serious nesting when I started bleeding. And kept bleeding.  With a complete placenta previa our home birth became a high risk c-section and, not only that, would require my hospitalized bed rest until the baby had to be delivered. We made it another month, but Robin had to be delivered when he was 28 weeks old. He weighed 1 pound and 13 ounces. There’s a lot more to that story (one of my current projects!) but the point is the unforseen complications that came of it.

We’ve got the normal upheaval of having a newborn – for which I’m often grateful! – but he has a few extra medical needs, too. I often feel guilty knowing how well Robin is doing compared to other families,  but these things are still upsetting and exhausting.  The primary things that have added to our chaos is Robin’s tubes and oxygen tank, Robin’s feeding difficulties, and my continued exclusive pumping. That and our decision for me to stay home full-time for a year (to avoid the illnesses so prevalent in public schools).  So now, not only will I not be earning any money (I’m a Speech and Language Pathologist in a public school), I’ll be home all day. Every day. Not that that’s bad! Far from it!  But it’s different from what I thought I was going to be doing.

Robin and I have been home for two months now (last weighed in at 12 pounds 3 ounces and meeting all developmental benchmarks) and I am actually becoming more distressed in some ways. Sure, I’ve mastered his medicines and feedings,  but I am struggling to maintain my optimism as this drags on. I had hoped he’d be getting better at breastfeeding or at least eating from a bottle so we could have the gavage tube removed from his nose, but he’s actually getting worse. I’m upset about that, so I’m more sensitive to stupid things like cat hair clumps in the kitchen, and I respond by flopping on the couch to watch tv and eat ice cream.

The purpose of this blog is to resolve the chaos I can, so I can face the rest a little stronger.  My goal is to write at least three times a week as I address the chaos in my health, my heart, my home, and my relationships. That may be too many topics, but we’ll give it a try for now. The point is not to complain, but to identify and solve problems. I’ll probably be doing a lot of cleaning and organizing for a while! 🙂

My first two solutions will need time to see if I am successful – I’ll check back in a week. Those solutions are:
1) blog three times each week (1 of 3 down!)
2) change out of my flip flops into tennis shoes at 9am every morning!